Day 17 - Reflections

I didn't take codeine again before bed last night. Went to bed and read until about midnight and slept (on 2 pillows) pretty much until the alarm went off at 7am.
I did however have freaky dreams about work and an election. Gargh! I bet this is my anxiety coming out because I spoke about work on here yesterday. So much for keeping calm.

But I've woken up feeling jittery and anxious. I knew this day would come. The day when surgery seems so long ago and why am I not back to normal? I should be getting up and doing stuff, I feel fine.

I'm looking at my get well  soon cards on the window sill and wondering when I should take them down...the usual custom is a week for birthday cards, what is the etiquette for how long get well soon cards should stay up? Until you are better or until you feel better?

*THIS* is the reason why I knew it was a good idea to put off looking for a full time job since I graduated 3 years ago. I didn't want to bag a new job and then find I'd have to tell my employers that I'd need to take 2 months off work whilst I recovered from surgery. I also didn't want to find myself in the situation where I was pressuring myself to get back to work, quite possibly before I was ready. And look at that, here we are exactly at that stage!

There are 2 things you need for this whole braces and jaw surgery lark: 1. strength and 2. patience.

Now I have surprised myself on the count of strength, I really have. I didn't think I had it in me to get through all those hard bits, ok there were tears and lots of them, but I did it, I survived.
I managed to do the going to hospital when I didn't think I would,
I managed to do the staying in hospital by myself the night before surgery when I didn't think I would,
I survived the surgery when I didn't think I would,
I'm getting through the recovery much much easier than I thought I would
and
generally I have maintained a positive attitude throughout my recovery, with only a couple of down days, when I didn't think I would.

During my first few days home I had thoughts along these lines:



I felt that I came out of hospital realising that I was a much more compassionate and caring person than I believed myself to be. I thought about all the 'I've never done that before' things I had did over the summer holidays, from driving to a place I had never been to before (I hate driving) to going on a rollercoaster to doing the ice bucket challenge; all things I would have backed out of previously. Over the summer I think I had the mentality that if my life ended with this surgery I'd be as well doing something before. And really, some things were fun (ice bucket challenge) and some things were not (rollercoasters) but I did them.

I have also been far more positive with my recovery than I ever expected to be. I expected to be in lots of pain, I expected to have massive swelling and bruising. I expected there to be many days of (yet more) tears of frustration at not being able to eat, go out, talk. I expected to have days of depression. But, while I've had 2 bad days so far (which didn't really reach depression levels), I have taken each day, 1 day at a time.
When I clean my teeth at night, that's me done for the day and we just wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Maybe I should enjoy my life a bit more and worry less.

I did think of what I'm going to do this year coming, once I'm back on my feet:

1. Getting a new job is one of them (even though I still don't know what I want to do and this is scary, job hunting is soul destroying). My experience of my roommate in high dependency which led me to these feelings of compassion made me realise that enrolling in a reflexology course was the right thing to do and we'll just have to see where that takes me),

2. Book a summer holiday for the family (we've not had a proper holiday because I never knew when my surgery was going to be. I put off booking anything every year for 3 years because of it. We can't afford to go some place grand but hopefully we can manage a long weekend in London and visit the Harry Potter Studios),
and

3. Maybe signing up to take part in next year's Race For Life.

4. Grab the opportunities that come my way and not say no.

I need to be more spontaneous and less anxious. I survived the op, I'm still alive, so I should live.

Now fast forward to today and I'm struggling to hold on to those feelings from the early days. It's like the effect has worn off and I don't know how to get it back.
And why? Maybe because I have major issues with the concept of patience.

Patience is NOT my forte. They say that patience is a virtue, but for some reason, over the past 37 years, I *still* haven't managed to grasp this concept. If anyone is going to beat me with a stick, it's going to be me, with a huge tree trunk never mind a twig.
I'm full of 'I shoulds', I don't have patience with myself.

I keep having to remind myself this morning that when I told max fax that I was going to take 4 weeks off work, one doctor said 'that's a bit over ambitious' and the other told me 'don't rush back to work'.

I need to remind myself that I'm walking about with broken bones. If I had broken an arm or a leg, I'd have a plaster cast to prove it, to put it right in my face so I couldn't ignore it, visible proof.
It takes 6 - 8 weeks for the bone to heal, I'm just at 2 weeks, I have another 4 - 6 weeks to go.

I'm not sure what to do today to make me feel any better.

Breakfast was readybrek; I am now finding that I'm putting off having breakfast for as long as I can. But since I am a staunch breakfast eater, even that is hard.

So after all that, I decided I would Hoover for the first time since my surgery.
I didn't want to lift the Hoover upstairs so I just did the hall, kitchen and living room
Felt ok while doing it, just a bit slower than usual.
But I am paying for it now, jaw hurts and I'm mega tired :-(
Why can I not just be better by now?

My daughter had her ortho appointment this morning and she came home very happy to say she is being debraced in 6 weeks time! Her treatment will have lasted 15 months in total.
Very happy for her, even though she got her braces on after me and will get them off first :-p

Lunch was the second half of the can of soup from yesterday (think I'll get some more in the shopping tonight) and a vanilla cheesecake with some mashed fresh raspberries.

Resting this afternoon so that I can go food shopping tonight. Managed to get some sleep before making supper.

Supper was a fishcake and mashed potato followed by a yoghurt for pudding.

Managed to go for the weekly food shop tonight. Took an hour and was ok for the majority of it, only started to feel wobbly by the time we got to the till.
Found some new foods to try. Also, when I can eat properly again, I want a Penguin biscuit (my favourite!).

Also had a couple of moments where it felt like I was drooling but I wasn't. Nerves are doing something!

Today's photos, complete with glasses to detract you away from the spots outbreak on my chin *still*
I actually feel more swollen on my right hand side although on the photo it looks like my left is more swollen.